Jabba is a dick

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, right? People say that kind of thing when they want to dismiss someone else's attempt to psychoanalyse something. Fair enough. I suppose the same people might also say that sometimes, a twenty-foot long, green slug-alien is just a twenty-foot long, green slug-alien.

A phallic alien, or 'phalien'.

So, I'm going to apply a psychoanalytic approach to Return of the Jedi. Specifically, a Freudian analysis; which takes in certain things like fear of castration and- well, it's pretty much just about fear of castration. Fear of getting your dick chopped off.

If you think shit like this is ridiculous, fair enough. Stop reading; it's only going to get more pretentious. Still here? Really? Okay, here we go.

When you are young, Freud would argue that you live in fear of bodily dismemberment, specifically: having your penis chopped off. That's a pretty potted version of what he actually thought so, for the sake of argument, just bear with me. To be female is to lack a penis and this 'lack' is scary to the male psyche; the absence is uncomfortably reminiscent of castration. Bottom line; most things you do, you do out of the fear of having your penis chopped off if you don't.

Admit it: you're terrified of this.

Well, whatever, right? Even if you expect me to believe this nonsense, what the fuck does it have to do with Return of the Jedi?! Good question.

Let's say you are a 'Hutt'. If you are a Hutt, you are - most likely - a gangster, a bad guy; someone with a lot of enemies who want to kill you. You are also a large, phallic alien. That's right, you are a penis-shaped alien. A giant, penis-shaped alien. Castration is going to be pretty high on your list of anxieties.

Jabba the Hutt is a dick. He is literally a giant, penis-shaped alien who, quite correctly, assumes that a lot of people want him dead... castrated, if you will. This is emphasised in the opening scenes of the movie, when several of his guests try to kill him.

Now, nearby Jabba's fortress is something called the 'Sarlacc Pit'. This is essentially a giant hole in the ground which eats anyone unfortunate enough to fall into it. It eats them, with its rows of razor-sharp teeth. A hole, with teeth, that kills you. If I was a giant, penis-shaped alien, a hole with razor-sharp teeth that lived nearby would be pretty high on my list of anxieties. It'd probably be number one.

Come on, what does THAT look like to you?

Jabba is also a dick in a figurative sense. Jabba sits in his fortress all day; he's too fat to move under his own locomotive power. We know he has a sex-drive because his only pleasure, apart from eating live frogs, is becoming aroused to the slave-girls who dance and sing for him. To everone else, he is a complete dick. He disintegrates droids, his personal hygiene is non-existent, he belches loudly and he is extremely impolite. He's a paranoid, argumentative, uncooperative dick.

Jabba, when he was still able to leave the house.

But who can blame him? Here is a repugnant penis-alien who has to live in constant fear of being killed/castrated. And, embodying this fear, taunting him constantly, is the Sarlacc Pit. A giant, unashamed 'lack' sitting just over the next sand dune; a giant vagina with teeth. If I was Jabba, I'd be fucking terrified of it.

So here we get to the whole crux of the matter. Jabba behaves like a dick because he literally is one. He lives in mortal fear of castration, something which is in his face every day in the form of the giant, killer vagina living over the next sand dune. But here's the thing... Jabba needs that vagina. Jabba has undeniable feelings towards the Sarlacc Pit; it's a vagina, after all, and he is a penis. He can only achieve sexual release if he 'becomes one' with the vagina.

And so, what does he do about this whole unpleasant situation? Simple: Jabba throws anyone who wants to kill him into the Sarlacc Pit. The giant penis tries to fill in the hole that terrifies and intrigues him so much. He fills the Sarlacc Pit with as many bodies as he can - in fact, he rarely seems happier than when he is throwing other men into the hole.

What an aboslute dick.

But, at the same time, he's so obviously fascinated by the Sarlacc Pit. He floats around the Sarlacc Pit on his sail barge, watching with a mesmerised glee as victims are thrown in. He can't help it - the Sarlacc has a sexual hold on him; he wants the Sarlacc, but at the same time, he's terrified of it. His only option is to try to satisfy his twisted desire by throwing other men into the pit and imagining that he is them. But Jabba's desire can never be fulfilled - the Sarlacc will never be 'full' until he himself is plunged into it.

And so all that is left is a pathetic, morbidly-obese and sexually frustrated alien who takes out his anger on anyone and everyone that wanders into his path. In the end, he is released from his torment by Princess Leia, who strangles him with the chains he used to hold her captive (what a dick!). Perhaps she saw beyond the cruel, boorish gangster that Jabba appeared to be on the surface and glimpsed the tragic, unfulfilled penis within.

Next week's psychoanalysis segment: Why Stormtroopers are such pussies